


Recovery ≠ An Option

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25370080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: For Janus, recovery never really seemed like much of an option.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Kudos: 101





	Recovery ≠ An Option

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: fear of death, self harm in general 
> 
> I think that's it.. but if not let me know! <3

Janus comes to cuddle with his boyfriends, Virgil and Patton, when he gets sad or his thoughts become to much. He goes to Patton the most because Pat is almost always willing to hold Jan.

Janus is kinda closed off, reserved, even still as he's dating them. He has a selfharm addiction. In the first two months of their relationship, he was actively cutting himself, but entering the third month he realized that they'd have to see each other naked (no matter the reason) at one point in time and he doesn't want them to leave him. No, after Virgil.. he definitely can not handle another (and the same one) loved one leaving him. 

He was always able to conceal his winces when they'd put their hands on his thighs, and on the rare occasion that he didn't, he'd blame it on something. Janus knew Virgil and Pattton had some sort of sexual life -- he'd heard it, and god how he wished he could be there -- but he never joined in. He was too scared of what they'd think of his cuts. They weren't even scars yet. 

Patton didn't really question why Janus would come to him, bury his head in Pat's chest, and fall asleep like that, but he did find it worrying that sometimes Janus would be breathing heavily (as if he just came out of a panic attack) or look like he'd cry any second before hiding himself in Patton's embrace. At least it seemed to calm him. But obviously Patton got worried and asked Janus about it, but he'd never give a clear answer.

Virgil thought it was a bit weird, because Janus wasn't as clingy back when he was a "dark side", but figured something must've changed.

_Maybe he's just trying to hold on to the good things, because you leaving had a bigger affect than you think._

And Virgil knew when he left Janus was miserable, and he'd apologized over and over again to make sure Janus knew how sorry he was and that he'd never leave his side again. 

Speaking of Virgil and Janus leaving angst, Janus talks in his sleep, mumbling at someone to "please come back", "what'd i do wrong?", "i'm so sorry, please please-", or just go on a full ass monologue in his sleep. He'd also reach out for something (or someone) and whimper and he sounded so sad and scared and it broke their (Virgil & Patton's) hearts to see their poor baby like that. When it was just Patton he'd reach out his hand for Janus to hold onto; sometimes Jan would grip the hand and that'd be enough, other times he'd feel up his hand to his arm and end up pulling Patton down to hold on to him. He would occasionally tighten his grip before letting it loosen again, like Patton was his lifeline. It was cute but also very concerning.

Janus hardly went to Virgil, despite him saying that he'd always want to be with him over whatever else he's doing. (And sometimes in the middle of a hug/cuddle with either one of them, he'd pull away and just curl up next to them, or if they weren't in a place where he could do that he'd go to one of their rooms and wear something of theirs until his bad feelings subsided.) Janus mostly just lays down next to Virgil and fights the urge to cut away. 

Now of course his boyfriends don't know about his cutting so they just think he's clingy. Janus won't tell them about it. He's so scared of what they could possibly do. Yeah, they say they love him and yeah, he doesn't taste any lies, but that could change the moment they know what he's done to himself. But he can't hide this forever..

One day he gives in to the urges and accidentally hits the beans. He freaks the fuck out because oh my holy shit fuck me he's never gone deeper than styro, so in his frantic panic, he texts both his boyfriends 'can you come over please im scared I've never oh god' because he has a terrible habit of texting his thought process when fight or flight kicks in. It's 3:15 in the morning so he hopes they'll be awake. What if they aren't and he bleeds to death?! He doesn't want to die! ..or does he? No! Wait he knows how to clean up styro cuts -- why isn't he cleaning up? He can't move. And fuck, there's so much blood, everywhere, god he's gonna die-

He hears footsteps and he suddenly remembers why he's panicking, and what the hell he just did. Patton and Virgil are going to find out about his selfharm. They're going to find out. They're going to dump him and call him crazy and a loser and tell him to kill himself-

"Janus?" The shock and worry and sadness of Virgil's voice snaps Janus out of whatever thoughts he was having. Janus' head snaps up and he sees Patton and Virgil in his doorway. Janus cries and cries and now they know and they're gonna leave and he'll be alone and he can't do that. Except.. they rush over to him? Well. How the turned tables. 

Virgil is crying and telling Janus it's okay, they're here now, he'll be okay; Patton is crying too, but he's summoning -- oh right. Janus could've just summoned them instead of texting -- a first aid kit and shit of the sorts.

Janus is just sobbing and apologizing and gripping Virgil's hand and trying to control his breathing because a panic attack wouldn't help anybody right now (or ever, but y'know). Patton's busy with his wound and Virgil and him are telling Janus the typical "you'll be okay, it's okay, shh, we love you so much, you're okay" shit and.. and Janus believes them. He'll be okay. He's okay now, his boyfriends are here and they love him. 

Maybe recovery is an option.


End file.
